The last months have been intense. I would go so far as to say the past month has been the hardest of my life so far. And now that things are finally calming down and I am starting to process, the healing journey begins. Accepting, and moving on.
Late last year I found out I was pregnant. In short, I had been torn for years between the wish to have a second child and the fear that my strength, patience and resources would not be enough for two. Unsure of how to reconcile this dream with my coaching practice, career and family situation, I kept pushing it out of my mind. But God kept reminding me of the story of Jesus with the loaves and fishes – if we make available to God what little we have, then he will multiply until it is sufficient. So I trusted him to multiply my strength and patience and provide for us.
After an uneventful pregnancy, Little Girl was due at the end of July. Just a few weeks before her due date things started looking concerning. Supported by many many prayers from friends and family and my amazing team of midwives and doctors, we were closely monitored and eventually admitted to hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy. I had prayed and prepared myself for a natural calm birth. I did not want to be induced, I did not want to give birth in the hospital, and under no circumstances did I want to have a caesarian section. I ended up with all three. Let me be clear – I am grateful for our health care system and I respect other mums choosing to have any of these – but for us a c-section and the recovery it requires simply weren’t an option.
Unfortunately, after many days of uncertainty and many hours of labour, I was asked for my consent to an emergency c-section. I was exhausted, in pain, sick with worry and hadn’t slept for days. Saying yes, being prepped and rushed into the theatre and the procedure itself are a blur. My Baby Girl is healthy and perfect and I am so immensely grateful for that outcome. But over the following weeks it took all of my strength and faith and resilience to keep myself together and walk the road to recovery. Not being able to move, think clearly, even lift my baby was deeply humiliating. Needing help to undress, sporting legs the size of tree trunks and having to call for assistance to put my baby down chipped away at my pride and independence. Only now, weeks later and still unable to sit up or drive do I have enough mental clarity to think about how to put myself back together.
While Baby Girl is sleeping soundly in my arms, I’m finally able to put the past weeks behind me and look ahead. Outside winter is drawing to a close. Spring is almost here. It won’t be like any spring we’ve had before. It will be hard work to pick up the pieces and build a new normal. I want to slowly work towards rebuilding my strength, my health and my faith. I’m finished feeling sorry for myself and ready to take the first steps into this new life of looking after my beautiful family, our tiny wonderful home, and myself.
I am throwing myself back into my studies, back into this blog and my coaching practice. My newborn comes first of course, but Blueberry warrior is my passion project and I am excited for the future.
Thank you all for your support, your prayers and for being part of the family. Thank you for walking alongside me as I now need to practice what I preach to rebuild myself. Kia Kaha -be strong! See you soon!